Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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