in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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