It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
