It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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