Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
