Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
