I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
