I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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