hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
