That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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