Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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