I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
