so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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