I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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