i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
