I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
