I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
