Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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