Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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