he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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