Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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