theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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