Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
