Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
