If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
