Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
