Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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