he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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