We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
