He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
