i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
