I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
