Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Randomize
