the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
