he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
