i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
