Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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