I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
