She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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