Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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