Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
