You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She's the barista slut.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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