Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
