Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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