Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
