I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
