I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
