Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
