just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The beer is more important than you right now.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
