Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
